The Stop People Pleasing Action Plan: Be Yourself

Be yourself!  Your days of being a people pleaser are over. From here on out, you’re going to learn a new way to think about being nice – without being ground into the dirt for doing so.

The 4-Step Stop People Pleasing Action Plan:
Be Yourself

·           Stand up

·           Say No

·           Be Yourself

·           Put Yourself First

To be yourself takes confidence and a whole lot of courage. By now you're already cultivating a certain strength by merely standing up and learning how to say ‘no.’ Now it’s time for the next step, and it’s a tough one.


You’re going to have to be you. Be yourself absolutely, beautifully, un-apologetically yourself.


Once upon a time, you already knew how to do this. It’s when we grow older that we learn to doubt ourselves. We layer on other people’s expectations and then start taking on their needs as our own. After a while, it’s not uncommon to start feeling a little lost when asked who you are. Chances are, you might not even know how to answer anymore.


The good news is, it’s not too late to figure that out.


You can start by asking yourself several questions, a kind of ‘getting to know yourself’ interview. The goal here is to find out all about who your favorite person should be: You.

1.    What did you dream about being when you were a child?

2.    When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? What happened?

3.    What activities get your heart pumping?

4.    What’s the last thing you looked forward to and why?

5.    What’s the first thing you grab from your closet? Why?

6.    If you could go anywhere or do anything with money as no object, what would you do?

7.    It’s years from now, and you’re at the end of your life. What are the things you’re proudest of doing? What do you need to do today to have those accomplishments?

8.    What do you dream about most often?

9.    What’s unique about you?

10.What would your friends say is their favorite thing about you?

11.Who do you feel the most ‘you’ around?


The answers to these questions should give you a little clearer idea of who you are, and who you want to be.


It might be you're feeling a bit dissatisfied with the results – and that's normal. Everyone has things they're not happy about in their lives. The question is, are you going to let yourself be bogged down by the past, or are you ready to look forward, beyond all those things to you who you can be starting today?


Part of having the kind of confidence that it takes to be yourself is that you’re going to have to learn how to love yourself, every part of you, warts and all.


If you’re having a little trouble with that concept, You can start with some simple actions.


1. Embrace the you of today
You’re here, and that’s a marvelous miracle! Start with a hard look in the mirror. Then without judgment, without regrets or a whole lot of ‘shoulds’ (as in, “I should lose weight” or “I should do something to clear up that acne”) you need to look at the person in the mirror and tell them the hardest thing you’ll ever say:


“You’re amazing.”


If you can start every single day with that long look, and those two simple words, you’re going to find out something exciting – eventually you’re going to start believing it. Eventually you will find that beautiful acceptance of who you are.


For the record? You are amazing. Don't believe it? Talk to the person who knows you best – you.


2. Take care of yourself
People pleasers are used to taking care of those around them first – usually to the detriment of their health and sanity. That has to stop.


That means putting the time and effort into caring for your physical health and your mental health as well.


Embrace the things that help you to grow emotionally. Commit to getting your body into better physical shape. Why is this so important? 


Confidence comes from a place of good health. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you just plain aren’t feeling good. So, take the time and do what it takes to get to that better place.


As a side note, don't feel bad if you need some help in this area. A visit to the doctor is a significant first step toward setting healthy goals for yourself.


It might be you want to sign up for a personal trainer at the gym to jump start your workout. Or to visit a counselor to help with the more deep-seated issues.


Whatever it takes to put yourself in order, don't be afraid to do it. By using the resources around you, you'll find that your progress is that much faster than it would be otherwise. In the worst-case scenario, you'll be building a support team in the meantime.


3. Do the things that terrify you
The things that scare you are the things that help you to grow. So, sign up for that class or talk to the person you’ve been crushing on for the last year.


4. What’s on your ‘To Do’ list?

It’s time for some goals. Break a habit, build a new one. Pursue that dream you’ve been holding onto for too long. It’s time for action. Remember, whatever you’re trying to accomplish, you’ll get a lot further if you have someone to make you accountable, so be sure to share what you are trying to accomplish with someone else.


5. Who’s got your back?

It’s too hard to improve yourself without support. Look at your friends and ask yourself who in the group has always had your back? Who is your cheerleader? If you find out that you don’t have a lot of positive friends – and that’s likely because when we don’t like ourselves, we tend to surround ourselves with people that don’t treat us very well – it might be time to make some new friends.

Spend time with people who allow you to be yourself – the true, positive, and more confident you.


Something to remember: as hard as it seems, it might be time to evaluate some friendships. The people who are used to the people-pleaser and have been taking advantage of you on a regular basis are the ones who need scrutiny.

Remember what you’ve learned – use that positive stance as you stand up for yourself, and practice saying no. If those people aren’t respecting these boundaries, it might be time to close out those friendships. You cannot afford to keep friends who are going to keep trying to drag you back to your old life.


6. Embrace the things that make you unique

People pleasers are notorious for trying to be what they’re not. Too worried about being unique, they become especially adept at blending in, in becoming invisible or just like anybody else. The new, more confident you need to not only accept the qualities that make you extraordinary but needs to embrace them. These are the parts of you that make you special. Accept those with confidence. Let the world see who you are!


7. Stop comparing yourself to others, or worse, trying to impress them
People pleasers get caught up in a cycle of doing things for others because they see themselves lacking. They place their worth in other people’s opinions of them. It’s a vicious cycle that damages your self-esteem and doesn’t really change people’s opinions of you – at least in a positive manner.

Again, the only way through this is to accept you for who you are – and to become content with that person.


Having the guts to just be yourself is one of the most powerful steps you can take to breaking the people-pleasing habit.


Once you are happy with yourself, suddenly the opinions of the people you so badly want to please, just won’t matter that much.

Taking action and doing something to be yourself is very empowering. Think back on a time when you've taken a stand or done something to change your situation instead of complaining about it. I bet your confidence went through the roof once you started talking action.

From here on out, I want you to think of complaining as a clue to take action. When you hear yourself complain about something, or when you start thinking about complaining, stop and ask yourself what you can do about it. What can you do to change and improve the situation? Not only is it much more productive use of your time and energy than whining and complaining, it is also a great way to build your courage and self-confidence and be yourself.

Say No and Other Confidence Boosters